Earlier this year, I blogged about The Action Heroine’s Handbook, a handy guide for wannabe kick-ass chicks, which details instructions on a variety of useful action heroine skills, such as winning a catfight, drinking someone under the table, choking a man with your bare thighs.
Months later, I received its companion volume, The Action Hero’s Handbook, that I requested from BookMooch, followed, quite aptly, by a copy of The Villain’s Guide to Better Living.
The Action Hero’s Handbook by David Borgenicht and Joe Borgenicht, follows the same formula as its Action Heroine counterpart, broken down into various chapters on different kinds of skills.
There is a chapter on “Good Guy Skills”: how to track a fugitive, how to take a bullet, how to survive in prison when you’re wrongly incarcerated, how to save someone from being hit by a speeding car; one on “Love Skills”: how to stop a wedding, how to dirty dance, how to turn sexual tension into mad, passionate sex; “Paranormal Skills”: how to contact the dead, how to predict the future, how to fend off a ghost; “Fighting Skills”: how to take a hit with a chair, how to draw and win a gunfight, how to disarm a thug with a gun; and “Escape Skills”: how to make a clean getaway, how to crash through a window. and how to escape a sinking cruise ship.
Here’s a funny bit: How to tell when someone is really dead
(Because you can never be too sure with the bad guys!)
1. Poke the alleged corpse with a sharp stick or rod.
Begin with a few jabs in the side with a sharp stick. If he is faking, then you will have a weapon and some distance between you. If there is no reaction to a few sharp jabs, proceed to the next step.
2. Check for breathing.
Hold a mirror or small glass up to the alleged corpse’s nose and mouth for at least three minutes. If the corpse is breathing, then the mirror or glass will fog up. If there is no apparent breath, proceed to the next step.
3. Check for a pulse.
Lightly apply two fingers to the area just to the side of the windpipe. Alternatively, apply two fingers on the groove on the thumb side of the underside of the wrist. Feel for a pulse.
4. Check for pupil reaction to light.
Hold a flahslight up to the presumed corpse’s open eyes. if his pupils get larger or smaller in reaction to light, he’s not dead yet.
5. Check for blinking.
Open his eyes and rub a piece of cloth or clothing on the “dead” person’s eyeball. If he blinks, he’s not dead yet.
6. Check for gag reflex.
Jam a stick or a pen into the back of the alleged dead person’s throat. If he’s dead, he will not gag.
Here’s one of the useful diagrams from the book:
Meanwhile, The Villain’s Guide to Better Living by Neil Zawacki (illus. by Bill Brown), is a “fiendish lifestyle guide for the modern-day evil-doer,”designed for baddies with a less than satisfactory existence.
The book is divided into five sections on the different aspects of a villain’s life.
Home design instructs the villain on how to create the perfect bastion to reflect a dark, dead heart and suit the villain’s nefarious deeds. This chapter details decorating tips for different types of lairs: gothic vampire vault, mad scientist chalet, Egyptian despot’s den of curses, Medieval warmongerer’s hideaway, post-apocalyptic dacha, wizard’s tower of doom, and galactic warlord’s cosmic compound. The section also gives tips for housekeeping, home security, gardening, pest control, and home improvement.
The chapter on Health instructs the villain on how to keep their evil body in tiptop shape for world domination. This section gives out tips on general nutrition and lifestyle (for obtaining that sickly glow), precautions against heart disease (love!), using disease as a weapon, and seeking out immortality.
Next stop is Work, meaning day jobs that can be used to get to that desired position of power. There are strategies for getting through the grind, from the job interview to surviving among co-workers to hitting the boss for a raise. The chapter then expands to dastardly deeds in the workplace: white collar crime, downsizing, and motivating the minions (with a whip!).
The chapter on Social Life discusses the formation of useful alliances to help the villain carry out his dark doings. It lists good places to meet fiendish friends: secret societies, thieves’ underground, seedy space bars, demonic cults, and the gym. It also teaches useful social skills such as hypnotism, pet care (for dragons, fluffy cats, moat monster, one-eyed alien, hellhound or creepy crawly), throwing a wicked party, and even dating!
Finally, the Travel chapter explores the dream (or nightmare) vacation and possible options: dark castles, spooky forests, universities, tombs, dark monuments, and alternate dimensions!
The book is quirkily illustrated in black, white, and a sick shade of green, which fits in with the theme perfectly. Here’s one of the inside illustrations:
(0n the side effects of strange medicines)
What’s hilarious about these two books are the fact that you know they’re messing with you, but they do it with a completely straight face!
I haven’t decided yet if I want to be an action hero(ine) or a villain, but I’m sure these books will come in handy one day!
***
The Action Hero’s Handbook, paperback, 4/5 stars
The Villain’s Guide to Better Living, hardcover, 4/5 stars
Books 109-110 of 2010
[amazonify]::omakase::300:250[/amazonify]